The Marriage Bed Playground
There is a fence around the playground a fence that separates a couple from sex acts that are dangerous, sinful, or otherwise unacceptable. Inside the fence are a great number of pieces of playground equipment that a couple may enjoy.
What each couple enjoys varies just as preferences in playground equipment vary. If he gets dizzy and sick on things that spin, the merry-go-round is not a good choice. If she is uncomfortable with heights, that very tall slide is a bad idea. If they both enjoy him pushing her in the swing, but neither is big on her pushing him, thats just fine. Start with a few things and over time test out others. If something is not enjoyable to either of you, leave it. However, do come back around to things you didnt like the first time our tastes chance and some things we didnt enjoy early on may be a lot of fun years later.
But where is the fence? What is inside the fence and what is outside? Lets consider some specific bedroom activities and apply the principles above. Please keep in mind that we are not recommending any of these activities. We are only trying to give couples a framework for deciding which sexual activities will build their marriage and which may damage it. How you feel about these things will be influenced by personal preferences, past experience, and your understanding of the Word. You can use the index below to jump to a particular subject.
Oral Sex Is Mostly Hygienic
Yes, I put mostly, because its possible to transmit bacteria or a virus from mouth-to-genital and vice versa. Both your mouths and genitalia should be free of any lesions, sores, or wounds. Most of the warnings about lack of hygiene with oral sex presumes multiple sex and unknown status of sexually transmitted infections. In marriage, however, we have the benefit of a single partner and, hopefully, open communication about our health status.
But as long as neither of you is experiencing an infection in your mouth or on your genitals, oral sex is basically just a mouth on skin. Albeit very sensitive skin. In which case, the only caveat is to wash up! Male semen and female lubrication wont damage you, and for those who are worried urine is extremely unlikely to leak out at that time.
Is Oral Sex Ok For A Husband And Wife
As we said, the Bible doesn’t mention oral sex, but it also doesn’t mention any number of other sexual acts that a husband and wife may desire. However, we DO have a few biblical principles to apply here. There’s plenty that speaks against lusting after another person to which you aren’t married, so that strikes including anyone outside a husband and wife’s marital sexual activity.
Other than those two restrictions, the principle of “mutual consent” would apply to oral sex or any other married sexual act that falls outside those restrictions. Mutual consent is defined in 1 Corinthians 7:5, which says, “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
While this verse mostly has to do with not abstaining from sex for long periods of time and frequency of sex in a marriage, the idea of mutually deciding upon what to do in your married sex life is good concept to apply universally. Whatever sexual acts are desired, both husband and wife should be in full agreement to participate. No one should feel forced or coerced into something they don’t want to do or aren’t 100% comfortable with.
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Is Oral Sex Unkind
Which leads to the last question: Is it unkind? Now I think this one is probably the one that touches the rawest nerve and the one that has the greatest impact. Will you pressure your spouse for oral sex if he or she finds it unpleasant? If so, then you are unkind, and it is a sin to be unkind. Ephesians 4:32 says, Be kind to one another. But the key word here is pressure.
I know that 1 Corinthians 7:4 says, The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. And the context there is sex. So what does that mean, practically? It means that both the husband and the wife have the right to say to the other, I would like to . And both of them have the right to say, I would rather not . And in a good marriage, the biblically beautiful marriage, both of them seek to outdo the other in showing kindness.
So those are my principles, Tony, that would guide the Christian couple in this matter of oral sex.
Things You Should Know About Oral Sex
Ah, oral sex the first posts I wrote about it were oh-so-popular. I mean, really a Christian wife talking about blow jobs? Yet, its been a while since I revisited this topic.
Now if you want my best tips on giving and receiving oral sex, check out my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by Gods Design, in which I have a whole chapter just talking about this particular form of sexual intimacy.
But today, I thought Id cover five things you should know about oral sex especially for those who have been reluctant to try it .
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Bible Verses About Oral Sex
As the reader will see, the verses below are filled with metaphorical language that is common to Hebrew poetry. Because of this, scholars dont universally agree about how to interpret the descriptions and symbols. Yet for those who believe Song of Solomon mentions oral sex, the verses below are commonly cited.
Love Liberty And Selflessness In Marriage
From the Christian standpoint, marriage is a relationship of love in which a man and a woman model for each other the self-sacrificial nature of Christs love for His Church.
Sex isnt supposed to be all about me. Instead, its designed to function as part of the give-and-take of an interpersonal relationship. Its a holy mystery a powerful bonding agent that shapes and affects the relationship between a man and a woman as nothing else can.
Where there is love, theres liberty, because God has given a husband and wife the privilege to define the uniqueness of their sexual relationship. No one else has the right or authority to tell them how to behave in the bedroom, as long as their actions dont violate Scripture.
But love also implies that each spouse must give highest priority to the needs, feelings, desires, and preferences of their mate. In other words, mutual consent is basic to all healthy sexual expression in marriage.
Consent implies that both parties know whats proposed and expected. That they fully understand the physical and emotional ramifications of the suggested activity. That theres room for discussion. And that both partners are always free to say no.
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Is Oral Sex Mentioned In The Bible
Oral sex as a term or a specific practice does not appear nor is it described explicitly in the Bible. The Bible is silent as it relates to oral sex. However, many commentators, counselors, and pastors suggest there are portions of the Song of Solomon that at least imply oral sex.
Without question, Song of Solomon is a love story between Solomon and his bride which celebrates their love together. I reject any allegorical interpretation of the Song as a love story between Christ and the Church. In his love story, Solomon employs highly metaphoric language to describe the delights of sex in marriage. Any serious Bible expositor must exercise extreme caution when dealing with this text. The metaphors are used in total to describe the beautiful love and sexual relationship that flows out of that love between Solomon and his bride. To point to specific passages and make claims as to what each element of the metaphor refers to takes the text too far.
John MacArthur describes the Song this way:
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Is Oral Sex Between A Married Couple Wrong
This is a serious question, and I will answer it as best I understand the Scriptures. The first thing we must say is that the Bible does not directly address this question. The Bible is clear on sexual fidelity .
The Bible does speak to us about our sexual conduct in general terms, and these principles should guide us.
First, the Bible is clear that our bodies are not our own, and that we are to glorify God with our bodies . Our sexual conduct in marriage should glorify God.
Second, the Bible instructs that we are not to deprive our mates of sex, and that our bodies belong to our mate .
Third, sexual practices that are contrary to nature are forbidden . Homosexuality is the most obvious and clearly condemned example.
Fourth, our sanctification involves a different sexual ethic and practice than that of the unbelieving world .
Fifth, the husband is to live with his wife in an understanding way, or as the NET Bible puts it, treat your wives with consideration . This consideration should surely include what satisfies and stimulates his wife, and what is offensive.
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Question: Is Oral Sex Between Married Couples Permitted By God
Answer: This is not an easy question to answer, since there isnt a verse that says thou shalt not have oral sex. However, upon a deeper study of Scripture, I do believe that the Bible does address the issue of oral sex.
I do believe that according to this passage in Hebrews, that God is sanctioning sex in marriage, and that it is honorable and right for a husband and wife to enjoy sex with each other. I also believe that God tells married people that they should not deny sex to their spouse except for a short time when one or both of them have devoted themselves to a time of fasting and prayer.
Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
You need to start the journey now with an open and honest discussion with your husband. Pray before you approach him, and pray together about this as you study Scripture together.
In Christian love,
So Oral Sex Is An Option For Christian Spouses But Is It Also Required
Up to this point we have proven that oral sex is definitely an option for men and women within the covenant of marriage. The next question we must ask though is this. Is oral required in marriage in according to the Bible?
None of the references to oral sex in the Song of Solomon are written in the form of a command, but rather they are written in the form of a positive example. Examples of various behaviors and actions in the Bible when presented in a positive light show us that God allows us to do that particular thing, but examples do not require us to do a certain thing.
In other words, positive Biblical examples allow while Biblical commands compel.
But while Song of Solomon contains no commands about oral sex, there are other passages which do give us commands about sex in general.
3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
The passage above from 1 Corinthians teaches us several important Biblical principles about sex:
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Are You Holding Back In Your Marriage Bed
I did not know the workings of a male mind or even my own body. And thats okay as we are meant to explore and learn sex within marriage!
After marriage I discovered that my husband and I were wired differently and for us to experience greater intimacy, we had to embrace greater learning and become students of one another.
Timidity, bewilderment, ignorance e.t.c are all understandable on your wedding night and those early seasons. But they cease being reasonable excuses over the months and years.
Again, its not easy to transition from a place of no sex, to sex every night if you want . Or I think thats wrong to okay, lets do it, woohoo thats amazing! for the older bride.
Its hard to leave your comfort zone and embrace something new.
But sometimes the reason we struggle to leave these old places is because we think the new place has to be perfect right off the gate. And when it isnt , we bash ourselves and withdraw the permission to try again.
When you are wondering what is permissible in the Christian marriage bed or how far is too far, understand that you dont have to see yourself hanging off the roof in excitement before you try something new. Decide to take it one step at a time.
A willingness to give it a try, without a lot of expectations, can make the difference between living in humdrum land and adding a little spice to your bedroom.
Is Oral Sex A Sin
I opened my inbox and saw the first line of his message, “Is oral sex a sin?” The man went on to say that he and his wife had both enjoyed giving and receiving oral sex as a way to express their love. They had experienced the unique pleasure of giving pleasure in such an intimate way to each other. He was writing to me because this enjoyable aspect of their sex life which had always been part of their marriage was now conflicting with his conscience. His pastor recently told him that oral sex was wrong and unnatural, and now this man was wondering if this could be true.
My first instinct was to reply that it sounds like his pastor has a boring sex life and is trying to justify it Biblically! I know many Christians have hangups and baggage with sexual expression and enjoyment because many of us were raised with misguided, legalistic lessons about sex that taught the subconscious message that “…sex is necessary for making babies, but don’t enjoy it too much because it’s dirty.” That’s a false, dangerous and misguided message.
Here’s the truth…
God made sex. He made it for the enjoyment of a husband and a wife within the sacred covenant of marriage and it’s supposed to be FUN. There’s nowhere in the Bible that suggests oral sex is a sin within marriage. In fact, The Song of Solomon in the Bible has what many Biblical scholars agree are poetic references to oral sex. That book is so “steamy” that it was illegal to read it in public in many countries for centuries.
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