Focus On Getting As Strong & Healthy As You Can
Anne: Yes. Having been through that myself and observed from a safe distance, my ex-husband chose to be the one who does not take accountability, one who blames someone else. That was really painful for me to sit back and watch those decisions be made and think, wow, that is who he is and thats who hes choosing to be, and it was heartbreaking to watch. And thats the risk, right, women think if I let go or if I start managing this, what if they do choose that? They dont want him to choose that and its just horrific. Its like a lose/lose situation,
Leslie: Well, it is because then youre not getting healthy and hes not getting healthy. So, what I tell my women to do is the most important thing is for you to not focus on the marriage right now. For you to focus on you getting as healthy and as strong as you can, so that if your marriage survives, if he wants that too, and he wants to get healthy, and he wants to be a good person and an honest person and a faithful person, then you can rebuild that broken trust. But if he doesnt, youre not clinging to him like a beggar and saying please love me and please dont leave me and Im too scared to be on my own. Youve done your work so that youre maturing through this crisis too, that youre becoming the person that your kids need and that youre going to like at the end of the day, even if your marriage doesnt survive.
You Cannot Do His Work For Him
Leslie: Well, thats right and then what happens is the woman starts to feel like you know whats wrong with me that I cant get over this? Whats wrong with me that I dont want to kiss him anymore? Whats wrong with me that he gives me the creeps? Im a bad person, and so she starts to assume that shame, instead of him assuming the shame that he should assume. But we dont stop him from experiencing it just because its painful.
Anne: Yeah, I think thats really important for women to know. That managing his pain for him is not going to minimize or stop or keep him from looking porn or keep him from hurting you. Thats just not going to work. The only thing you can do is work towards safety through boundaries and then observed from a safe distance to see if hes getting it or not. Thats basically the only thing you can do.
Leslie: And really understanding this is his work to do. You have your own work to do as the victim, but his work to do is to decide what kind of man he wants to be, and whether he wants to be a sober man, an honest man, a kind man, a faithful man, you know, a gentleman. And if he doesnt want to be those things, no amount of your work is going to change that for him. He has to do his own work and you have to let him have that space and that space is usually very painful and uncomfortable for him to face. I dont like the man I am, and I want to be different.
God Answer Our Cries For Help
Psalm 30:2: Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
God does not put us on hold. Whenever we need him, hes just a call away. And if we cant verbalize the pain we feel, God looks at our hearts and knows what we feel. In a world that is so busy, we feel overlooked. Its comforting to know God doesnt miss one tiny thing that happens to us. God, who created butterflies and centipedes sees everything we go through. We know God heals because when Jesus came to earth, Jesus healed the sick, the lame, and every sick person who crossed his path. When you hurt, call on God and let him heal you as well. And when God heals, his power never diminishes.
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Religion And Domestic Violence: The Missing Link
When we speak of domestic violence, and the cultural factors that foment it, one crucial element missing from the discussion has been religion.
While it is generally agreed that inequality between the sexes can foster and cultivate environments where men seek to control or abuse women, in Australia there has been very little public debate about how this might impact people in male-led congregations and religious communities, especially those where women are told to be silent and submit to male authority.
In other countries, like the United States and United Kingdom, there has been extensive analysis. So why is Australia so behind on this issue?
In the past couple of years, concern has been growing amongst those working with survivors of domestic violence about the role the Christian church of all denominations can either consciously or inadvertently play in allowing abusive men to continue abusing their wives.
The questions are these: do abused women in church communities face challenges women outside them do not?
Do perpetrators ever claim church teachings on male control excuse their abuse, or tell victims they must stay?
Why have there been so few sermons on domestic violence? Why do so many women report that their ministers tell them to stay in violent marriages?
Is the stigma surrounding divorce still too great, and unforgiving? Is this also a problem for the men who are abused by their wives a minority but nonetheless an important group?
Friends Partners And Lovers: What It Takes To Make Your Marriage Work
Most marriages survive by gritting teeth and holding on. But marriages can and will not only survive but thrive when husbands and wives learn to cherish one another. Those are the powerful words of bestselling author Gary Thomas in his newest bookCherish. And in a world desperate for marriage redemption, it is needed now more than ever. Thomas shows that although there are a countless number of marriages consisting of two people just going through the motions, there are real ways this pattern can be reversed: when husbands and wives learn to cherish one another in proven, loving, and everyday actions and words.
Newest Release – Episode 2: Heroes Providing Hope
Discover the amazing work our PRCs Directors, Nurses, and Volunteers are making in their communities! Youll see firsthand testimonies of a PRC in action, and that there are other options outside of abortions! Youll also discover how your family can support your local PRC!
Yes, I Promise to Pray for the Pre-born and Their Moms!
Will you pray for the pre-born and moms that are facing unexpected pregnancies? We will send you a 7-day prayer guide that will help guide you along this journey with us!! You can even choose to receive this great resource by text!
Newest Release – Episode 4: Sometimes the Choice is Hard
Yes, I Promise to Pray for the Pre-born and Their Moms!
Newest Release – Episode 3: The Power of a Picture
Yes, I Promise to Pray for the Pre-born and Their Moms!
When Victims Muzzle Their Emotional Reactions
Leslie: Youre absolutely right Anne, but not only that but part of his work to do is to learn to care about the impact he has had on someone else. And if she is muzzled and not allowed to share the impact of how thats harmed her because it hurts his feelings or it upsets him, then he never learns to manage his own feelings of shame or his own understanding of shame and how that can lead us to good things. It can lead us to repentance of saying, I dont want to ever feel that feeling again, I dont want to ever look in your eyes again and see the pain Ive caused. So, that helps me to not do this again, but instead, theres sort of muzzling a wifes emotional reaction, so that her husband doesnt feel the normal pain he should feel when we harm someone we love.
Anne: Yeah. Its almost scary. Its like youre taking away his ability to feel guilt, and youre trying to manage his guilt for him, and he needs to feel the full impact of this in order to really understand the harm hes caused in order to actually make restitution and in order to actually repair this.
Anne: There is no way to go around it. In fact, going around it, maybe hell be like that wasnt that big of a deal. Whats the big deal?
Momentum For Change Is Building
In the past three years, alarm bells have begun to ring about the role religion may play in fostering, or concealing abuse.
There have been two substantial inquiries into domestic violence in Australia in recent years. Both have identified religion as a significant, under-reported problem.
In 2014, the Queensland Government appointed former governor-general Quentin Bryce chair of the Special Taskforce on Domestic and Family Violence.
The report, Not Now, Not Ever, tabled in February 2015, pointed to the “challenge” of religious leaders:
“Disturbingly, a number of submissions and individuals reported to the taskforce that the leaders of faith in their particular community would not engage in helping victims or condemn perpetrators of domestic and family violence. These leaders of faith did not see it as the role of the religious gathering to ‘lecture’ about what happens in the privacy of a home The taskforce challenges leaders of all faiths and religions to take a leadership role in fostering and encouraging respectful relationships in their community, and to teach their communities and congregations that coercive control and violence are never acceptable.”
In the same month, the Victorian Government established the Royal Commission into Family Violence following a series of family violence-related deaths in the state, most notably that of Luke Batty, who was killed by his father in 2014.
In other words, whether they conceal, not reveal, abuse.
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Understanding The Root Of Your Child’s Misbehavior
Often, children act out because they are used to getting attention through bad behavior. Dr. Kevin Leman offers advice to help parents transform their childs behavior. He discusses the benefits of allowing your kids to learn from real-life consequences and describes the importance of understanding your childs temperament based on his birth order.
Use The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Boundary Log
Anne: Were seeing the facts of their behavior when we can take a step back and look at the situation objectively. It can help us. We have a boundary log. Its just a paper log where women can actually write down like the date, what happened, what type of abuse it was, what their response was, what their boundary was, and then at the very back, there is a calendar where women can write a plus or a negative on each day.
Its just kind of like a graph, and then they can look at that objectively and be like, whoa, I had like seven negatives in a row, or I had all these pluses and then we can look at it objectively and be like, I didnt realize I was being abused every single day, right. Some type of factual accounting because so many times they dont recognize how often it happens. Or when the episode is over, they feel good and they think, oh, okay, everythings fine, I was just overreacting, everything will be better now, hell never do that again, you know something like that again. You know, something like that.
Were pausing this conversation now, but well continue it next week, so stay tuned for our continued conversation next week with Leslie Vernick.
If this podcast is helpful to you, please support it. Until next week, stay safe out there.
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How To Be A Godly Wife According To The Bible
Godliness isnt dependent on a role, it describes. We can be godly whether we are a wife, friend, mother, sister, employer or employee. Its a virtue Paul instructs us to pursue and what God reveals through the person of Jesus Christ. Godliness is the reverent response to Gods holiness that governs our attitudes toward every aspect of life. An attitude is a perspective, not a mood. We can have bad days, but still, choose a positive perspective toward our marriages. We can have good days but entertain a negative perspective. Our attitudes towards godliness must find their roots in our perspective of Gods holiness and his position in our lives.
In 1 Timothy 6, Paul instructs us to pursue a list of positive qualities: righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness. These virtues influence one another to develop Christ-like attitudes and responses to our circumstances. Sometimes the best way to understand something is to look at what it is contrasted with. Paul gives us a list of opposing perspectives that pull us away from growing in godliness. These are an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels about words, envy, malicious talk, strife, evil suspicions, and friction between each other, and the belief that godliness is a means to financial gain.
It Is Good To Protect Yourself From Violent People
David fled King Saul when he was violent toward him. The angel of the Lord warned Joseph to flee to Egypt with Jesus because Herod was trying to kill him. Paul escaped from those who sought to stone him.
We must help people to get safe and stay safe when they are in abusive relationships. This is not only good for her and her children, it is good for her abusive partner. If you are not experienced in developing a safety plan and assessing for lethality , refer or consult with someone who is knowledgeable in this area .
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An Abusive Husband Disobeys Christ
Husbands are commanded, Love your wives, and do not be harsh with them . They are told to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it . The focus of a husbands Christlikeness in loving his wife is love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her .
A Christian woman should not feel that the only help available to her is the police. That would be a biblical failure of her church.
Christian husbands are not Christ. They are finite, fallible, forgiven sinners. They do not stand in the place of Christ. Their wives relate directly to Christ , not merely through their husbands. Husbands do not have the wisdom or the power or the rights of Christ. Their likeness to Christ in leading their wives is limited and focused by these words: He gave himself up for her . . . nourishing and cherishing . . . not harsh with them.
Therefore, an abusive husband is breaking Gods law. He is disobeying Christ. He is not to be indulged but disciplined by the church. The wife is not insubordinate to ask the church for help. A Christian woman should not feel that the only help available to her is the police. That would be a biblical failure of her church.
Trauma Mama Husband Drama
Im going to take a break here for just a second to talk about my book, Trauma Mama Husband Drama. Its a picture book for adults so it is the easiest way for you to explain whats going on to someone who might not understand it. Its also just a good reference for yourself because it shows whats happening with very telling and emotional illustrations, as well as infographics at the back. When you go to our books page and click on any of those books, it just takes you directly to Amazon and you can throw those books in your cart. After you have purchased the book, please remember to circle back around to Amazon and write a verified purchase review, along with a five-star rating. That helps isolated women find us. It bumps Trauma Mama Husband Drama up in the Amazon algorithm, and even if women dont purchase the book, it helps them find this podcast, which is free to everyone. And now back to the interview.
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Giving Up Sugar Tasting God’s Goodness
As a latchkey kid, Wendy Speake turned to sugar for comfort. Every Friday, she would pedal to the candy show and use her allowance to fill her bag with candy. And one day, when she was older and a mom of three young boys, she came to realize that she was still pedaling away from her stress and using sugar as comfort, instead of turning to Jesus. She was joyless, worn out, tired, and in need of a change. In this interview, Wendy will challenge Christians to take 40 days to focus on fasting from something they turn to instead of Jesus for comfort. She invited people to break free from a dependence on sugar and taste the goodness of God.
Abused Wives: Called To Suffer
This week one of my coaching clients shared that her counselor told her that her role as a godly wife was to submit to her husbands abuse and quietly suffer for Jesus. She was told that setting boundaries was unbiblical and asking her spouse to change specific behaviors for her to feel safe or rebuild trust was demanding. Is that true?
Does scripture encourage a spouse to patiently and quietly endure harsh and abusive treatment within her or his ?
The entire book of 1 Peter has to do with suffering, but I want to focus on a few points from these verses to help us understand what Peter is teaching us about how we suffer in a godly way as well and when we should patiently endure suffering.
First, lets look at how Peter tells us to handle ourselves in the presence of abusive people. Peter is clear that believers should be respectful of others regardless of how we are treated. Often in destructive marriages, a spouse who is regularly verbally battered or emotionally neglected or abused starts to lob some verbal bombs of her own. Instead of learning to handle such mistreatment in a way that honors God, she dishonors herself, her husband, and God by her building resentment as well as her explosive or negative reactions and responses to his abuse.
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