Seven Steps To Resolution
How Not To Resolve Conflict In Marriage
We had only been married a week before the big one hit. It was our first major fight as a married couple. And let me tell you, it was a doozy. The conversation started off innocently but went south within a matter of minutes.
I remember like yesterday where I was when it happened. I was standing in the living room of our 600 square foot condo looking at my adorable husband, dreaming about parenting our future kids.
Sadly, he did not want to join me in fairyland.
Instead, he went all commando on me because he knew exactly how to resolve conflict in marriage the right way. By force! He wanted to stake out his ground early in our marriage and draw lines in the sand about parenting before I got any big ideas of my own.
Next thing I knew, he was telling me the health protocol of our invisible children. No questions, comments, or rebuttals. It was his way or the highway.
One of his proclamations was that we were going to feed our children cod liver oil.
I, of course, reacted in defiance to the idea because I knew how to resolve conflict in marriage the healthy way. We didnt need to talk through the benefits of cod live oil or read any information about the subject.
I already knew he was wrong without listening.
Deep in the caverns of my mind, there was vast knowledge about parenting our faux children. And that included the evils of taking cod liver oil. It sounded like something from the dark ages.
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To Resolve Conflicts Submit To God
We can sum up three of James commands under this one head: Submit to God unconditionally draw near to God and, humble yourself before God .
A. Submit to God unconditionally .
You can go to seminars on how to be more assertive, but Ive yet to see a seminar on how to learn to submit! Its not a popular concept, but it is a biblical one. The word means to put yourself in rank under someone, implying a hierarchy of authority. It is used of the obligation to submit to government authorities to elders in the church of mutual submission of husbands and wives to one another, and of wives to husbands, in marriage and of slaves to masters .
Of course, God is the ultimate and only sovereign authority in the universe, and it should be obvious to everyone that it is most unwise to rebel against His authority. Since He is opposed to the proud , verse 7 infers, Submit therefore to God. It is the only sensible thing to do!
While much more could be said, here are four ways that we tend to resist God and thus need to focus on submitting to Him:
. Submit unconditionally to Gods way of salvation.
All of the worlds religions, except for biblical Christianity, teach that salvation is a matter of human endeavor and goodness. The worlds way is, Work hard, be the best person you can be, and youll go to heaven. Such teaching feeds human pride. It gives the good person reason to boast.
. Submit unconditionally to Gods person.
. Submit unconditionally to Gods Word.
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How Do Christians Settle Disputes
Matthew 18:15-17 provides the biblical pattern for settling conflicts within the church: Go directly and privately to the brother or sister to discuss the problem. If he or she does not listen, take one or two witnesses. If he or she still refuses to listen, take the matter to the church leadership.
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Continue the conversation on Facebook and join the group Christian Family Living. This is a place for Christian women to freely talk about parenting, marriage, faith, family, and culture. Being a Christian is hard! Lets do it together. Most of all, a sense of humor is required. Got memes? Bring it on!
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Bible Verses About Conflict Resolution
If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private if he listens to you, you have won your brother.But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses everyfact may be confirmed.If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword,But the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous love does not brag and is not arrogant,does not act unbecomingly it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth read more.bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.For,The one who desires life, to love and see good days,Must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit.He must turn away from evil and do good He must seek peace and pursue it.
Sometimes It’s More Cost
If its an issue that can be resolved without the involvement of the law, opt for that instead. Itll save a lot of headaches and legal fees.
You have heard that it was said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. But I tell you, dont resist him who is evil but whoever strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also. If anyone sues you to take away your coat, let him have your cloak also. Whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks you, and dont turn away him who desires to borrow from you. Matthew 5:38-42
There are also Bible verses about resolving conflicts that come up in marriage situations, such as when a couple decides to file for a divorce, which is discussed in Mark 10:2-12.
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In Conflict We Must Love Our Spouse Deeply And Cover His Or Her Sins
Finally, when in conflict, we must love our spouse and cover his or her sins. First Peter 4:8 says, Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. The Greek word for deeply is an athletic word used of muscles stretching or straining.
This is a rich word-picture of our love during conflict. In the same way a muscle must be strained and stretched to develop and become stronger, God often strengthens our love through conflict and difficulty with our spouse. Even though this stretching hurts, it actually results in a greater capacity to love. Therefore, couples, who deeply love and cover one anothers sins while in conflict, gain the ability to love more deeply. Certainly, this must be an encouragement as we stretch our love to cover our spouses sins while in conflict.
Stretching our love will often mean overlooking and forgetting the failures of our spouse. First Corinthians 13:5 says love keeps no record of wrongs. God will call us to not even bring up some issues. While others, he will call us to firmly speak the truth in love and work towards a resolution, especially when it involves sin.
How is God calling you to love your spouse deeply and cover his or her sins in order to resolve conflict?
Calm: 4 Strategies For Seeking Peace
Within crisis counseling, there are many types of methods that are used to reduce high conflict situations. Although intended for therapeutic use, I have learned that many of these strategies can be applied to our interpersonal interactions. Unlike the tactics used in arguments and debates, conflict resolution skills provide a strategy for maintaining structure and self-awareness while seeking to find common ground in our communication. Lets look at four of these strategies supported by Scripture that can develop our ability to dialogue and deepen our awareness of our internal process in seeking peace.
To help us remember these skills, I will use the acronym CALM:
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Conflict Can Be Solved If Others Get Involved
But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses .
Sin will always cause conflict especially if practiced in the body of Christ. In order to deal with it adequately, there should be no small measure of wisdom, grace, and love in place. Those who are called to deal with this difficult situation should be people of spiritual maturity marked by their patience and kindness.
How Godly Leaders Resolve Conflict
Now the men and their wives raised a great outcry against their Jewish brothers. Some were saying, We and our sons and daughters are numerous in order for us to eat and stay alive, we must get grain. Others were saying, We are mortgaging our fields, our vineyards and our homes to get grain during the famine. Still others were saying, We have had to borrow money to pay the kings tax on our fields and vineyards. Although we are of the same flesh and blood as our countrymen and though our sons are as good as theirs, yet we have to subject our sons and daughters to slavery. Some of our daughters have already been enslaved, but we are powerless, because our fields and our vineyards belong to othersNehemiah 5:1-13
How do godly leaders resolve conflict?
However, in the midst of this world of discord, Christ said this: Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called sons of God . In describing those who are part of the kingdom of heaven, he said that they would be known for working for peace and resolving discord.
How do godly leaders resolve conflict? How do we become the peacemakers that we have been called to be? Many people think being a peacemaker means never ruffling feathers or causing conflict however, this is not true. Because there can be no true peace where there is sin, often the peacemaker will need to confront people in sin, so that there can be true peace. We see this with Nehemiah and how he responded to the conflict in Israel.
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To Resolve Conflict Godly Leaders Must Develop A Righteous Anger
When I heard their outcry and these charges, I was very angry. Nehemiah 5:6
Many leaders just bypass problems and never address them. They may do this, in part, because they are apathetic towards the situation. Therefore, they never develop a righteous anger which leads to fixing the problem.
Again, Nehemiah is not apathetic and does not brush the problems aside. He actually becomes passionate about the situation. It says that he became very angry . Often, we, as the church, lack this righteous anger which keeps us from ever becoming part of Gods solution.
Do you realize that anger is an aspect of being made in the image of God? Psalm 7:11 says, God is a righteous judge, a God who expresses his wrath every day.
Some people think it is always wrong to be angry but this is not true. Sometimes, it is sinful to not be angry. The righteous anger of God should be within every believer.
Jesus was angry when he went into the temple. He made a whip and turned over the tables of the money changers . To some this might seem strange of Christ, even unChrist-like, but this was actually an example of righteous anger. He was angry at sin and therefore sought to bring righteousness.
We need a righteous anger in order to correct sin in our lives, our churches, and our nations. We need it to fight injustices like abortion, trafficking, and racism in society. We should have a righteous anger about sin, not to cause problems, but in order to help bring righteousness.
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Rhonda Stoppe describes her early motherhood challenges of raising a son, which was intimidating to her. She found help through group of older women mentors. She urges moms to see their role as ministry in shaping sons to be good and godly men. Rhonda outlines several practical suggestions to moms about spiritual training, how to communicate with boys, and supporting the father-son relationship as a wife.
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God designed marriage to reflect His love to the world and because of this, the enemy wants to destroy Gods beautiful design. Based on his book, Defending Your Marriage, Dr. Tim and Noreen Muehlhoff share about the reality of spiritual warfare against marriages, and how to combat the enemys lies with the truth of God. Couples will be encouraged that theyre not alone in the fight for a godly marriage and better equipped to be a shining example for the world around them.
Remember That Everyone Suffers When Going To Court Not Just The Wrongdoer
You also shouldnt be quick to start a legal dispute. Doing that basically makes you as bad as the one who wronged you .
Why dont you judge for yourselves what is right? For when you are going with your adversary before the magistrate, try diligently on the way to be released from him, lest perhaps he drags you to the judge, and the judge deliver you to the officer, and the officer throws you into prison. I tell you, you will by no means get out of there until you have paid the very last penny. Luke 12:57-59
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Identifying Triggers In Your Marriage
They were both convinced they had married the wrong person. From almost the very beginning of their marriage, Amber and Guy Lia experienced various tensions and personality clashes related to house cleaning, backseat driving, workaholism, and intimacy. In this two-day Focus on the Family broadcast, Amber and Guy discuss how they bravely faced the triggers head-on, and committed to working on their own relationships with Jesus. As you listen to the Lias story, youll feel hope that you, too, can see real marriage transformation!
Respectfully Honor One Another
We will speak the truth in love respectfully honoring each others feelings.
- Proverbs 16:23 A wise mans heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.
- Proverbs 10:29 The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse.
- Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is that Head, that is, Christ.
- Proverbs 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
- Proverbs 17:27 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.
- Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
- Proverbs 18:2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.
No provoking or name-calling
We wont allow our discussion to escalate into yelling or name-calling. And we will refrain from provoking each other by delivering cheap shots. By this we mean sarcasm, innuendos, and rudeness, which complicates the issues. If that happens well call for a time-out and come back together at an agreed upon time.
- Proverbs 4:24 Put away perversity from your mouth keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
- Proverbs 13:3 He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.
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